Honest, practical guidance for helping children navigate loss with truth, love, and presence
When a loved one dies, adults are often overwhelmed with their own grief. On top of that, they're looking at a child's face, thinking:
"How do I even begin to explain this?"
"What should I tell them?"
"Am I going to make it worse?"
Children do grieve. They just don't always have the words for it. Their grief shows up in questions, play, behavior, and silence.
The good news: you don't have to be perfect to support them. You just have to be honest, present, and willing to walk alongside them.
Every child is different, but it helps to know some general patterns.
Remember: age is only a guide. The real key is to watch how this particular child is showing their pain.
Children can usually sense when something is wrong. If adults avoid the topic, kids often fill in the blanks with something scarier or self-blaming.
Some principles for talking about the death:
Example for a younger child:
"Grandma got very, very sick. The doctors tried to help her, but her body stopped working, and she died. That means her body doesn't breathe or move or feel pain anymore. We won't be able to see her in the same way, but we can remember her and talk about her anytime."
Example for an older child or teen:
"Dad died in the accident. It was very serious, and his body was too hurt to keep living. I wish this weren't true. We're going to face this together, and I'll answer your questions as best I can."
Spiritually, you can add what aligns with your beliefs:
"I believe her soul is with God now, in a safe and peaceful place."
"We can still talk to God about how much we miss him. God can handle our tears and anger."
You don't need a full theology lesson. Just a few honest, gentle sentences.
Kids often pick up on unspoken rules like: "We don't cry," or "We have to be strong."
Let them know all feelings are allowed:
You might say:
"It's okay to be sad. It's okay to cry. I cry too."
"It's also okay if you don't feel like crying, or if you feel angry or confused."
"Nothing you feel will make me love you less or make God love you less."
Invite them to express feelings in different ways:
Spiritually, you can normalize emotions:
"God made our hearts to feel lots of things. Sadness, anger, and love can all live in the same heart. God can hold all of it with us."
When everything feels out of control, routines help kids feel safer.
Helpful routines:
At the same time, small grief rituals can help children stay connected:
Ritual Ideas:
A spiritual ritual might look like:
Saying a short prayer together:
"God, thank You for [their name]. We miss them. Please take care of them and take care of us."
Letting the child say something they wish they could tell the person now
Rituals don't erase their pain, but they give it a safe, sacred place to go.
Kids don't always say, "I'm grieving." It comes out sideways.
You might notice:
Instead of seeing this as "bad behavior," try to see the grief underneath.
You might say:
"I notice you've been getting angry a lot lately. I wonder if some of that might be about missing [name]. It's okay to feel that way. Let's find a safe way to let that anger out."
"Your tummy hurts a lot since [name] died. Sometimes our bodies feel grief too."
Offer options:
If behaviors are intense, long-lasting, or harmful (self-harm, serious aggression), that's a sign it's time to involve a grief counselor or therapist.
Children will often ask big spiritual questions in very direct ways:
It's okay to share your beliefs and your uncertainty.
You might say:
"I believe their soul is with God now, where there is love and peace."
"I don't think God 'needed' them more. I think God is sad with us, not against us."
"I don't fully understand why this happened. It's okay to wonder and to ask God questions."
Avoid saying things that might scare them, like:
Reassure them:
It's healthy for children to see that adults are sad too.
You might:
What to avoid:
The message you want them to feel is:
"We are all sad, but you are still the child, and I am still the adult. We're in this together, and you're not in charge of fixing me."
Grief is hard—but there are certain signs that a child might need extra support from a professional:
Warning Signs:
Reaching out for help is not a failure. It's an act of love.
You can tell a child:
"Our hearts are carrying something really heavy. Just like we see a doctor for our bodies, we can see a counselor to help our hearts. We'll do this together."
Supporting a grieving child while you're grieving too is sacred, exhausting work. You won't do it perfectly. You will miss moments. You will say things you wish you'd said differently.
Your presence, your honesty, your small daily acts of care—these are the things that help a child's heart heal around the loss, not away from it.
Supporting a grieving child takes courage and compassion. Our team understands the unique challenges families face, and we're here to help guide you through this difficult time with care and understanding.